The deep black water shimmering in the moonlight oozes, engorged towards a waterfall of mist, my sister. As I stare at the black water, black like my fingernail I feel dizzy, like I’m falling into a trance. I can’t see. I don’t know the darkness outside and in. The velvet water calls me and like the golden vase I empty myself dreamily like pink cascading flowers into the deep place. My sister is dead. I see Ron’s eyes looking at me as I lose focus. I dream and from my dreams the thunder wakes me. The flickering lightening flickering my eyelids bringing me back to the fact that I know. She’s running, drinking tea to forget you. The dream was dropping me into the water. I was losing you. I left you for New Mexico and it’s glorious sunsets and it’s dark nights. As the crickets whisper and the candle and the shrine I think of you. I know it was you that night at my window. Calling to me, calling. I dreamed that you were happy and present enjoying the flowers in my garden, and the breeze. Leaves are green and my sister is dead. And the pink flowers continue to tumble and the black sea continues to ooze. I’m sad that you won’t be going to the wedding with me. My fervent vain wish is that you were still alive happy and present and enjoying the flowers. On flower after flower you would land like a butterfly. That is how you lived your life. I’m afraid of the judgment like you used to be. I’d like to sit by the glow of the golden light and lose myself in the inky black waves. It’s cold, cold without you.
This blog is about me and my sister Pam who was killed age 43 in a plane crash on July 3rd 2008 along with the instructor Charlie and her husband Keith who was learning to fly. These stories and thoughts keep me close to her, it's her shrine.