Nia with Jane Online

Hello, been a long time, I came and had a look here yesterday. Looked at the comments of people I connected with through this blog. Wow, it brought it all back. How are you? Life now is looking after elderly parents for the most part. And Nia, a fitness dance class that I teach online 3 times a week. It's fab and really helps to keep me somewhat sane these days. Thought I'd share a bit about it with you in this little video. Come and dance with me if you fancy it. It tells of how I discovered Nia and what it's all about.

20 Trees...

Pam and I loved this place so we trekked up to put some flowers at the foot of a tree.  Me, mum, Wally and Ron.

Wally loving mum on the way up.

We found Pam's name that Angie carved in a tree last time. Mum is wearing the necklace that Angie bought for Pam.

Mum suggested tree hugging then tears came into her eyes.

We left flowers from mum's garden and then we set off back down the hill into Hayfield.

I'm glad we did it however fleeting, then we went back to mum's and I lay on the grass and watched clouds, not done that in a long time...

Pam would have been 50 today

Three and a half years ago I posted a photo of Pam looking like the Mona Lisa. I recorded myself singing the song made famous by Nat King Cole.  Then I sent the mp3 to my friend Andy and asked if he would record an accompaniment to it for the blog. He never got round to it. But today I heard my Ipad chime that I'd got a message, it was the accompaniment. Here it is... just in time for Pam's birthday.. My dad calls him 'Fingers'.. when he uses his fingers to play the piano he can do no wrong. Was she beautiful or what? Miss you Pam.

6 Years.. the anniversary of Pam's death July 3rd

Every year I make it a day of remembrance.  I take flowers, go into nature and leave them there for Pam.  This year we went to a tea room for lunch with mum and dad, then Ron and I (Dad can't walk far anymore) walked up to Derbyshire Level and sat amongst the heather.  Mum and Dad used to live there in a great big house.  Pam used to do a woman's hair in another house up there.  Pam told me the woman's mother had been murdered by Dr Shipman.

As I sat there with Pam's flowers something told me to turn round and look behind me.  The most delicate blonde grasses shimmered brightly like smiling faces, they seemed to be saying hello... Here are the photos.. you can just see the grasses in the photo of Ron..

And here's a photo of Pam looking beautiful as always..

Paako I love you.

It is now 2pm and it has been raining drizzle out all day. I am finally writing again after having been back in the UK for nearly 3 months. A blog friend said she missed my blogposts and that meant a lot. So here I am. Our dog Paako died not long after we got back. It all happened so fast. I'm still hurting. I keep being irritable as hell with my husband. He said maybe it's the anger. That's a good point. He's being so patient, as ever. And Paako was his dog. He had Paako from a pup for 11 years, I had him for 6. You'd think it was the other way around. Anyway I miss him so much. He was the best dog in the world. No really. He brought so much love into my life and that has been a huge help to me since Pam died. I hope he's with her now, she'll just love him. Everyone does. I can't believe he's gone. Here we are bonding when we first met.. 6 and a half years ago..I took this photo to send to Pam..

Dad..

I just found dad crying next to the shrine he built for Pam..

Twenty Trees..again..

When Angie carved Pam's name into this tree Billy, Angie's son saw some letters. A few days after our day at the trees I was telling the family about the song When the Red, Red Robin comes Bob, Bob Bobbing Along. How it had been playing on the pier in Blackpool and how I'd felt Pam telling me to live, love and laugh and be happy, just like the words in the song. Billy said, 'did you carve it in the tree?' As I kept on with the story he kept saying 'did you carve it in the tree?'  Why did he keep asking this I asked him?  'Because I saw it in the tree' he said.  'Get lost!' I said. How could that be? He insisted that he saw the letters in the tree right next to her name. He told us he was thinking live, love, laugh and wondered what the other word stood for? I was stunned. You may think I'm crazy but I think it was a message from Pam. Not once does she tell us to live, love, laugh and be happy but twice! See the letters are there just like Billy said.

Two days ago I was in hospital having my frozen shoulder manipulated under anesthetic. It must have taken it out of me because all I wanted to do was lie down having almost crawled up the hill to get here. Anyway it was a lovely afternoon. Even though I was wiped out the fresh air did me good. lovely.