Paako I love you.

It is now 2pm and it has been raining drizzle out all day. I am finally writing again after having been back in the UK for nearly 3 months. A blog friend said she missed my blogposts and that meant a lot. So here I am. Our dog Paako died not long after we got back. It all happened so fast. I'm still hurting. I keep being irritable as hell with my husband. He said maybe it's the anger. That's a good point. He's being so patient, as ever. And Paako was his dog. He had Paako from a pup for 11 years, I had him for 6. You'd think it was the other way around. Anyway I miss him so much. He was the best dog in the world. No really. He brought so much love into my life and that has been a huge help to me since Pam died. I hope he's with her now, she'll just love him. Everyone does. I can't believe he's gone. Here we are bonding when we first met.. 6 and a half years ago..I took this photo to send to Pam..

Lynette Gilkes

From left to right, mum, grandpa, nana, Pam and Lynette Gilkes in Wales. Lynette was Pam's friend. A sweet, shy, pretty girl.  They had a sweet connection. Lynette died a few weeks after Pam during the exact same month, July 2008. Odd. Sad. I love this photo.

Sandia Peak

The perfect place to be on the anniversary. So peaceful and quiet up there. Ron suggested it the first year. Now it's our ritual. I take flowers from my garden. I noticed it's hard for me to leave the flowers and walk away so you can imagine how hard it is to leave my sister and walk away.. here are some photos.. oh and I saw a wild turkey!

4 years

photo taken by Ron in Taos. Last night we watched the documentary The Woodmans which was sadly fitting..

Majorca 1970

Missing Pam..

Elephants mourning..

Pam was a big animal lover. One of the books I found at her house was called When Elephants Weep, she urged me to read it but I never did. I still have the book. This elephant whisperer recently died and all the elephants that he had saved (from being shot for being pests, they were violent and hated humans) walked for 12 hours to his home to pay their respects. How did they know?

What a beautiful thing read more here http://delightmakers.com/news-bleat/wild-elephants-gather-inexplicably-mourn-death-of-elephant-whisperer/

Margot December 25th 1960 - April 19th 2012

Margot skyped me some time back, maybe a year and a half? No more. She told me she had a brain tumour. I'll never forget her face telling me on the computer. It was horrible to have to hear and so shocking. My friend Jayne who found me through Facebook had just died of cancer and now this? It was scaring me. Margot said, 'we'll come to visit you in Santa Fe when I'm better.' I just found out on Facebook that she died last week leaving a husband and a ten year old daughter. She had been my agent once in England and what a lovely lady she was. Her sister died last year of cancer and her brother died before that age 43. Death is scary to me. I'm speechless... rest in peace dear lady..

Pink!!!!!!!

Back from a trip to Truth or Consequences soaking in hot springs, my skin feels sooo soft. I loved it there..we needed it.. and look the garden has grown! The scent of these flowers nearly knocked me off my feet last night when I got out of the car...

It's a fine day..

Did I ever tell you I made a record? Here is me in the video age 22! Oh but it's so bloody ironic.. and somehow prophetic.. and sad..

Pam's things..

Pam had this cat picture in her living room. I found it in a box last week. I brought it back here after we had to sort through her things. I've put it on my dressing table. She loved cats, so do I. Her cat Ellie who she called Ellie Maypoles was adopted by her neighbour Alan, who Ellie had pretty much gone to live with anyway. Ellie is still having her love affair with Alan according to a friend here in Santa Fe who told me she'd met him by chance in Newport on her last visit there. We met this guy called Alan with a cat called Ellie who knew Pam! She said he never stopped talking about Ellie. Wow he loves that cat! Pam saw Alan get tazered by the police right outside his house not long before she died.

music to help stare at the ground..

;

Permission for Depression

Duino Elegies

We wasters of sorrows!
How we stare away into sad endurance beyond them
trying to foresee their end! Whereas they are nothing else
than our winter foliage, our somber evergreen, one
of the seasons of our interior year, - not only
season-they're also place, settlement, camp, soil, dwelling.

Rilke.

Still whacked out by the holidays.

I forgot that I have this file full of handouts on grief that I got from the hospice. I'm so exhausted emotionally. I've been so full of rage and hatred and sadness. Anyway in this file the majority of handouts are on dealing with the holidays. Here's one quote, 'Unfortunately American cultural mores place a virtual embargo on sadness during the holiday season and the consequent mandate to be jolly and cheerful makes the depressed person feel worse.' And another, 'Much holiday depression stems from the almost inevitable disappointment that follows the grandiose expectations people carry over from childhood based either on real memories or unfulfilled fantasies.'

I'm putting this post up so that next year I can look at it to a. remind me to read the handouts and b. read the handouts!

One more thing I just read, it's a bit cheesy but it just helped me to not feel alone.

The mother of a dead child
will always weep
at Christmas time
on that you can depend.

No matter how many people
or how many presents
the pulsating void that seems too large
for her heart to hold
keeps on drawing her attention
back to the child who's missing.

As others laugh and play
her thoughts fly away
to Christmases past
or a lonely cemetery.

To a face her heart aches to be kissing

The face of the child who's missing.

by Fay Harden.

Tomorrow it will be three and a half years..

Note to self read this next December.

Birthday Party

I sang two songs at my party on Saturday night, The Very Thought of You and Autumn Leaves a song Pam used to sing. I broke down at the end of it. I might have known. Then I sat down and glanced to the side of me where Ron's two-year-old granddaughter was sitting on her mum's lap. On her t-shirt were two words..Big Sister.

No Pam

I wrote this quote on a piece of paper in the months following Pam's death.  I found it in a file where I put all the hand-outs on grief that were coming my way.  I don't know who wrote it.

"When all the family members are alive, the family system is carefully held in place.  When one member dies, the system is thrown into a chaotic state destabilizing each family member.  Old ways of coping are no longer effective; those left behind feel exhausted.  This exhaustion combined with a sense of disorientation and disillusionment make room for new awarenesses to break into consciousness..awarenesses that at other times a person could keep at bay."

Have yourself a merry little Christmas...

Andy Connell just put this on Facebook of himself and my heart skipped a beat.  This is the last song Pam sang to me.  Bitter, bitter sweet Andy and Pam...two people I love dearly.

It was December 2007 and we were all wending our way to England to spend Christmas with our parents.  I decided to go to Pam’s B&B in Newport for a week on the way.  Pam was taking part in a dinner theatre Christmas cabaret at the time and had a solo spot singing the above song.  She was eager for me to watch the show and I of course was eager to go along.  So we drove over to this cute little venue in her silver Mazda sport’s car.  She introduced me to the other singers who all seemed of course to adore her.   As they each walked away Pam told me their back-stories.  I sat at the bar with Pam’s husband Keith to watch as the show began.  They sang the typical Christmas fare all of them dressed in glittery clothes with warm winter scarves thrown around their necks.  Then it came to Pam’s solo.  She sat on a chair centre stage the other singers draping themselves around her some sitting on the floor looking up at her as she sang.  She was enchanting to me as always, and tears welled up in my eyes.  And what a truly gorgeous song this is I mused, perfect for her.  I scanned the room proudly but to my indignation you COULDN’T hear a pin drop!  People in the audience were holding conversations whilst my beautiful sister was singing!  This will never do! How very dare they!  I began to beadily scrutinize her performance for clues.  Right!  In no time at all could see what the problem was. I made a mental note to set this matter straight as soon as we returned to the house.  Having worked for many years as an actress I knew how to fix this.

So when we got back I threw my coat on a chair and launched into action.  I immediately declared, “Pam! You are singing the song all wrong!”  Pam winced a little knowing her sister only too well.  She tried to explain to me that she didn’t really care but I was adamant.  “Look Pam people were talking!”  Pam shrugged.  “Don’t you want them to listen?!  Oh come on of course you do, come on let me show you.”  I went to find YouTube on Pam’s laptop and started searching for a clip of Judy Garland singing the song.  “But Jane,” Pam bleated “It’s OK as it is.  The other singers love me singing it this way.”  “Yes but Pam it’s not good enough!  We should have been able to hear a pin drop.  We'll have none of that audience talking while singer is singing lark around here!  Come on, please, look.”  Pam sighing sat on the high chair next to her desk and as we both focused on the computer the master class began.  “Now Pam this is the problem.  You are singing the song cheerfully.  Right?  Wrong!  You are swaying rather jauntily from side to side and it’s all kind of upbeat and jazzy.  No, no, no!  Now watch.”  And I clicked onto Judy singing.  Pam looked at Judy and then looked at me expressionless.  “Do you see?”  Pam shrugged unenthusiastically,  “It’s melancholy Pam, sad not cheery. Now let’s get to work.”  And whether Pam liked it or not I completely changed the way she delivered the song until to my mind it was perfect.  “There!  Now when you sing that song tomorrow evening I guarantee you will hear that pin drop.”

The next evening I stayed at home.  When Pam got back from the cabaret I asked rather smugly how it went.  "Worse," she said. "What? You're kidding me why?" "The other performers didn't like it.  They were going mad asking why I'd changed it and to change it back!"  "Oh, that's ridiculous!" I said, "Ah but what were the audience like?"  I asked confidently. "Quieter," she said, "listening."  "There you are then.  I told you!  Well weren't you pleased?"  I said.  "Yes but anyway I think I'll change it back to the old way." "Do what?  But why?" I asked.  I think it was probably peer pressure.  This turned out to be Pam's last Christmas.

Pam's particular wrinkled brow...

You see it there...just above her right eyebrow? It's very faint. It was beautiful and sad and particular. And I loved it. So once when I tried (yikes!) to draw her I noticed I'd included it.

My Absent Child

Grief fills the room up of my absent child,
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
Remembers me of all his gracious parts,
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form;
Then, have I reason to be fond of grief?

Shakespeare.