20 Trees...

Pam and I loved this place so we trekked up to put some flowers at the foot of a tree.  Me, mum, Wally and Ron.

Wally loving mum on the way up.

We found Pam's name that Angie carved in a tree last time. Mum is wearing the necklace that Angie bought for Pam.

Mum suggested tree hugging then tears came into her eyes.

We left flowers from mum's garden and then we set off back down the hill into Hayfield.

I'm glad we did it however fleeting, then we went back to mum's and I lay on the grass and watched clouds, not done that in a long time...

Twenty Trees..again..

When Angie carved Pam's name into this tree Billy, Angie's son saw some letters. A few days after our day at the trees I was telling the family about the song When the Red, Red Robin comes Bob, Bob Bobbing Along. How it had been playing on the pier in Blackpool and how I'd felt Pam telling me to live, love and laugh and be happy, just like the words in the song. Billy said, 'did you carve it in the tree?' As I kept on with the story he kept saying 'did you carve it in the tree?'  Why did he keep asking this I asked him?  'Because I saw it in the tree' he said.  'Get lost!' I said. How could that be? He insisted that he saw the letters in the tree right next to her name. He told us he was thinking live, love, laugh and wondered what the other word stood for? I was stunned. You may think I'm crazy but I think it was a message from Pam. Not once does she tell us to live, love, laugh and be happy but twice! See the letters are there just like Billy said.

Two days ago I was in hospital having my frozen shoulder manipulated under anesthetic. It must have taken it out of me because all I wanted to do was lie down having almost crawled up the hill to get here. Anyway it was a lovely afternoon. Even though I was wiped out the fresh air did me good. lovely.

Things Pam knitted..

 

This is Pam leaving to go back to America to live for good. It's about 2005. She's stroking Jesse. Tessa the boarder collie was dad's gardener, Michael's dog who is now dead, the dog not Michael. The only one remaining in this photo then is Jesse. Pam and Mike got on really well and went on holiday together once to Goa. In the other photo there's dad and Mike's assistant gardener Chris. Pam once told me a hilarious story about how she had to referee an argument between Mike and Chris who no longer work together, they had a rather strained relationship. I would get her to tell me the story over and over cos it made me laugh. She knitted this gorgeous wrap. I never saw it again after this...

Last night I dreamed about Pam. In the dream we are in the house on North Road in Clayton. Angie tells me Pam has been paying her for cigarettes. I'm furious. Angie is standing wearing glittery clothes from a shopping spree. I shout at Angie. I run to find Pam. I shout her. I'm in the family room she shouts back in a very depressed voice. She's watching TV sitting on the floor. She tells me she got involved with a guy who is using her house for drug trafficking. I say Pam you have to stop him. She knows but she's scared. So am I.

Lynette Gilkes

From left to right, mum, grandpa, nana, Pam and Lynette Gilkes in Wales. Lynette was Pam's friend. A sweet, shy, pretty girl.  They had a sweet connection. Lynette died a few weeks after Pam during the exact same month, July 2008. Odd. Sad. I love this photo.

4 years

photo taken by Ron in Taos. Last night we watched the documentary The Woodmans which was sadly fitting..

Gun!

In the early eighties our family home was robbed. We lived in a big white Victorian house on Windsor Road in Newton Heath, Manchester. Pam was nineteen. She arrived home from work right in the middle of the robbery.  She was in training to be a hairdresser at Vidal Sassoon’s in Manchester.

She walked into the house and shouted out to see if anyone was home. The house was in darkness.  There was no reply. She turned on the light and went straight into the ‘downstairs toilet’ as we called it, first on the right as you enter the house to take a pee. Or have a wee as we call it in England. As she sat there she watched herself in the mirror, singing in silly voices. She was such a sweet girl. She was the youngest. Throughout our childhood she would spend hours alone in her room. 

Finishing in the toilet she plunged into the darkness of the kitchen then into the cloakroom to hang up her coat when something moved. A man put his hand over her mouth. ‘Shut up or I’ll shoot you.’ He had a stocking over his head and he shoved a sawn off shotgun in Pam’s back. Her legs collapsed beneath her so he and two other men with stockings on their heads dragged her into the living room.

They told her to lie on the floor while one of them closed the curtains. Another pulled out the telephone cord and tied her up. She thought she would be raped. The man asked her where the safe was. There was indeed a safe in the house behind our father’s bed. Dad was a very hard worker, a builder, who came home exhausted and would often be in bed by eight o clock.  She pictured dad in his bed. The man asked ‘Do you know the combination?’ She told him where the safe was but that she didn’t know the combination. Horror and guilt flooded over her. All 3 men disappeared upstairs. At this point she was able to give more attention to our lilac point Siamese cat Charlie with whom she had a special bond. All the while he’d been sitting by her head. His pinky, blue eyes and white fur gave her a sudden surge of comfort. He stayed by her side throughout. She could hear banging upstairs like sledgehammers hitting a wall. After this the men came downstairs carrying the safe. ‘Don’t move for an hour or we’ll shoot you.’And with that they left. Pam and Charlie sat and waited. After a few minutes of this Pam decided to move. She ran out of the house to one of the big old houses next to ours, one that was now a nursing home for the elderly. She saw the nurses through the window sitting in the kitchen laughing and smoking. She ran inside her heart beating fast. ‘Hello Pam what’s up love?’ said Norma the large burly woman who owned the place. Pam couldn’t speak she tried to but nothing would come out until one of the nurses laughed. A sudden fury erupted in Pam and out it came at last.  One word. Gun!

The police told us that they knew who it was. Thank god that dad on this rare occasion was out.  My sister Angie was a model and she was working that night at a boxing match. She had to walk round after each round in a bikini displaying the number of the round on a little board. Since dad was an avid boxing fan he’d gone with her to watch the match.  

Majorca 1970

music to help stare at the ground..

;

Jimmy, Pete and an Ugly Duckling..

Mum, Pam, me and some guinea pigs Jimmy and Pete. Dad had a way with these guinea pigs. He would shout,'come one Pete, woo woo woo' making loud guinea pig sounds and they, Pete in particular, would run and jump in the air from one end of the cage to the other. Like a bucking bronco. I don't know if this is common practice. Pete's the one on the right, no surprise there.

Well one fine Clayton day(and there weren't many of those)a mad local dog broke into the cage and killed them. The police said we weren't the only ones in the neighborhood. Dad actually caught the dog with it's head in the cage and chased it with Jimmy in it's mouth. He saved Jimmy, who was mine, but then the bastard dog came back another day and killed him.

Dad reported Jimmy's murder and a policeman came to our house and wanted to talk to me, Jimmy's owner. When dad called me and I saw the policeman I noticed myself adopt a very theatrical gait as I walked towards him, my head down, my pace slow, sighing deeply so as to show him that I was in mourning. This was the first time the thought struck me that the stage might be a good destination for me..

Notice, I'm sure you already have, that I am deeply into my ugly duckling phase in this photo. I think the smile on my face is a large indicator that I was well aware of this fact. Love mum's 70's eyebrows. And as for Pam, all I can say is I do hope those guinea pigs have already been to the toilet!

photo c/o cousin Sally, thanks Sal!

Autumn