Monday, July 4, 2016

20 Trees...


Pam and I loved this place so we trekked up to put some flowers at the foot of a tree.  Me, mum, Wally and Ron.




Wally loving mum on the way up.


We found Pam's name that Angie carved in a tree last time. Mum is wearing the necklace that Angie bought for Pam.




Mum suggested tree hugging then tears came into her eyes.


We left flowers from mum's garden and then we set off back down the hill into Hayfield.


I'm glad we did it however fleeting, then we went back to mum's and I lay on the grass and watched clouds, not done that in a long time...


Sunday, July 3, 2016

8 Years..


Look at Pam's beautiful face, those perfect eyebrows, her lovely crinkled forehead, those dainty small hands. It's a tough day July 3.  Pam was killed in a tragic accident 8 years ago today.. We will go and be with mum and dad and do something to take our minds off it like go and eat fish and chips. Dad loves fish and chips. Then we are going to Hayfield up to twenty trees where Angie carved Pam's name on a tree. We will put flowers down. Then tomorrow I am going to Haworth a place of sisters. It's only an hours drive from here, can't believe I've been here two years and haven't yet been. We will get through today as always.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Pam would have been 50 today


Three and a half years ago I posted a photo of Pam looking like the Mona Lisa. I recorded myself singing the song made famous by Nat King Cole.  Then I sent the mp3 to my friend Andy and asked if he would record an accompaniment to it for the blog. He never got round to it. But today I heard my Ipad chime that I'd got a message, it was the accompaniment. Here it is... just in time for Pam's birthday.. My dad calls him 'Fingers'.. when he uses his fingers to play the piano he can do no wrong. Was she beautiful or what? Miss you Pam.


Friday, October 3, 2014

6 Years.. the anniversary of Pam's death July 3rd

Every year I make it a day of remembrance.  I take flowers, go into nature and leave them there for Pam.  This year we went to a tea room for lunch with mum and dad, then Ron and I (Dad can't walk far anymore) walked up to Derbyshire Level and sat amongst the heather.  Mum and Dad used to live there in a great big house.  Pam used to do a woman's hair in another house up there.  Pam told me the woman's mother had been murdered by Dr Shipman.

As I sat there with Pam's flowers something told me to turn round and look behind me.  The most delicate blonde grasses shimmered brightly like smiling faces, they seemed to be saying hello... Here are the photos.. you can just see the grasses in the photo of Ron..





And here's a photo of Pam looking beautiful as always..


Thursday, June 5, 2014

Paako I love you.

It is now 2pm and it has been raining drizzle out all day. I am finally writing again after having been back in the UK for nearly 3 months. A blog friend said she missed my blogposts and that meant a lot. So here I am. Our dog Paako died not long after we got back. It all happened so fast. I'm still hurting. I keep being irritable as hell with my husband. He said maybe it's the anger. That's a good point. He's being so patient, as ever. And Paako was his dog. He had Paako from a pup for 11 years, I had him for 6. You'd think it was the other way around. Anyway I miss him so much. He was the best dog in the world. No really. He brought so much love into my life and that has been a huge help to me since Pam died. I hope he's with her now, she'll just love him. Everyone does. I can't believe he's gone. Here we are bonding when we first met.. 6 and a half years ago..I took this photo to send to Pam..


Thursday, December 26, 2013

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Pam would have been 49 today..

 Sedona
making Pam laugh in Rhodes
getting on a plane

As meditators, we had prepared for this – how to move the energy up from the belly and into the heart and out through the head. I have never seen an expression as full of wonder as Lou's as he died. His hands were doing the water-flowing 21-form of tai chi. His eyes were wide open. I was holding in my arms the person I loved the most in the world, and talking to him as he died. His heart stopped. He wasn't afraid. I had gotten to walk with him to the end of the world. Life – so beautiful, painful and dazzling – does not get better than that. And death? I believe that the purpose of death is the release of love.

Laurie Anderson, on the death of her husband, musician Lou Reed, via Rolling Stone magazine, 11-21-2013 issue.




I listened to Transformer over and over when I was a teenager and Pam would come into my bedroom and listen too.  She always liked me singing along to David Bowie's rendition of Wild is the Wind saying, 'Jane, you sound just like him!' And then we would both sing A Walk on the Wild Side. Sweet Pam.. I miss you so... you and me we had a special bond...just like Lou and Laurie..