6 Years.. the anniversary of Pam's death July 3rd

Every year I make it a day of remembrance.  I take flowers, go into nature and leave them there for Pam.  This year we went to a tea room for lunch with mum and dad, then Ron and I (Dad can't walk far anymore) walked up to Derbyshire Level and sat amongst the heather.  Mum and Dad used to live there in a great big house.  Pam used to do a woman's hair in another house up there.  Pam told me the woman's mother had been murdered by Dr Shipman.

As I sat there with Pam's flowers something told me to turn round and look behind me.  The most delicate blonde grasses shimmered brightly like smiling faces, they seemed to be saying hello... Here are the photos.. you can just see the grasses in the photo of Ron..

And here's a photo of Pam looking beautiful as always..

Twenty Trees..again..

When Angie carved Pam's name into this tree Billy, Angie's son saw some letters. A few days after our day at the trees I was telling the family about the song When the Red, Red Robin comes Bob, Bob Bobbing Along. How it had been playing on the pier in Blackpool and how I'd felt Pam telling me to live, love and laugh and be happy, just like the words in the song. Billy said, 'did you carve it in the tree?' As I kept on with the story he kept saying 'did you carve it in the tree?'  Why did he keep asking this I asked him?  'Because I saw it in the tree' he said.  'Get lost!' I said. How could that be? He insisted that he saw the letters in the tree right next to her name. He told us he was thinking live, love, laugh and wondered what the other word stood for? I was stunned. You may think I'm crazy but I think it was a message from Pam. Not once does she tell us to live, love, laugh and be happy but twice! See the letters are there just like Billy said.

Two days ago I was in hospital having my frozen shoulder manipulated under anesthetic. It must have taken it out of me because all I wanted to do was lie down having almost crawled up the hill to get here. Anyway it was a lovely afternoon. Even though I was wiped out the fresh air did me good. lovely.

Five Years, Twenty Trees

We went up to twenty trees in Hayfield for the anniversary of Pam's death. Pam and I walked up to these trees together once. I usually do it in Santa Fe but I'm here now and so were my family. So I dragged them up to the top of the hill, me, Ron, Mum, Angie, Eddie and Billy (literally in mum's case as she wore pink flip flops erm mum!) It was sad. Angie said, 'I'm going to carve her name in the tree!' We went into Hayfield village after for tea and scones, Pam liked a cream tea.. the song Somewhere over the Rainbow started to play...

Sandia Peak

The perfect place to be on the anniversary. So peaceful and quiet up there. Ron suggested it the first year. Now it's our ritual. I take flowers from my garden. I noticed it's hard for me to leave the flowers and walk away so you can imagine how hard it is to leave my sister and walk away.. here are some photos.. oh and I saw a wild turkey!

4 years

photo taken by Ron in Taos. Last night we watched the documentary The Woodmans which was sadly fitting..

3 years

Today is 3 years since Pam was killed. As usual (as usual?) I would have gone up the Sandia Peak and put flowers at the foot of a tree. But it's closed as fire danger is extreme.  So we will go to the cabin and I'll sprinkle some flowers into the river. These family photos were taken a year before her death. Doesn't she look beautiful? She is wearing the cardigan that I clung onto the weeks following while my heart was breaking. I keep it in a plastic bag as suggested so as to try to preserve her smell. This weekend I feel like all the life has gone out of me.... again.. 

My parents were just over for the wedding. I asked dad to bring some old journals of mine. I found this entry..

Jan 4 1994

How protective I was today when Pam left to go to the station. I couldn't resist saying, "Don't ask a strange, horrible man for directions." Pam said, "I'll find a man and say to him, 'Are you horrible?' and he'll say, 'Yes,' evilly.  Then I'll say, 'Can you direct me to the station?' and he'll say, 'Yes and let me stab you horribly.'" I must stop being so protective it makes Pam have no confidence in her own abilities. Nice to see her so fun-filled and excited last night. She has been so irritable and snappy of late.

There is a sadness in Pam's face in these shots I think.  Like so many photos of her, a sadness, a suffering. She was unhappy so much in life. Sometimes I would say to her, "You wouldn't DO anything would you?" I meant to end it. She would say, "No Jane, I would never do that to you lot." But look what happened, her life did end early. Perhaps on some level I sensed something coming..