Thursday, December 26, 2013

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Pam would have been 49 today..

making Pam laugh in Rhodes
getting on a plane

As meditators, we had prepared for this – how to move the energy up from the belly and into the heart and out through the head. I have never seen an expression as full of wonder as Lou's as he died. His hands were doing the water-flowing 21-form of tai chi. His eyes were wide open. I was holding in my arms the person I loved the most in the world, and talking to him as he died. His heart stopped. He wasn't afraid. I had gotten to walk with him to the end of the world. Life – so beautiful, painful and dazzling – does not get better than that. And death? I believe that the purpose of death is the release of love.

Laurie Anderson, on the death of her husband, musician Lou Reed, via Rolling Stone magazine, 11-21-2013 issue.

I listened to Transformer over and over when I was a teenager and Pam would come into my bedroom and listen too.  She always liked me singing along to David Bowie's rendition of Wild is the Wind saying, 'Jane, you sound just like him!' And then we would both sing A Walk on the Wild Side. Sweet Pam.. I miss you so... you and me we had a special bond...just like Lou and Laurie..

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


I just found dad crying next to the shrine he built for Pam..

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Twenty Trees..again..

When Angie carved Pam's name into this tree Billy, Angie's son saw some letters. A few days after our day at the trees I was telling the family about the song When the Red, Red Robin comes Bob, Bob Bobbing Along. How it had been playing on the pier in Blackpool and how I'd felt Pam telling me to live, love and laugh and be happy, just like the words in the song. Billy said, 'did you carve it in the tree?' As I kept on with the story he kept saying 'did you carve it in the tree?'  Why did he keep asking this I asked him?  'Because I saw it in the tree' he said.  'Get lost!' I said. How could that be? He insisted that he saw the letters in the tree right next to her name. He told us he was thinking live, love, laugh and wondered what the other word stood for? I was stunned. You may think I'm crazy but I think it was a message from Pam. Not once does she tell us to live, love, laugh and be happy but twice! See the letters are there just like Billy said.

Two days ago I was in hospital having my frozen shoulder manipulated under anesthetic. It must have taken it out of me because all I wanted to do was lie down having almost crawled up the hill to get here. Anyway it was a lovely afternoon. Even though I was wiped out the fresh air did me good. lovely.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Things Pam knitted..

This is Pam leaving to go back to America to live for good. It's about 2005. She's stroking Jesse. Tessa the boarder collie was dad's gardener, Michael's dog who is now dead, the dog not Michael. The only one remaining in this photo then is Jesse. Pam and Mike got on really well and went on holiday together once to Goa. In the other photo there's dad and Mike's assistant gardener Chris. Pam once told me a hilarious story about how she had to referee an argument between Mike and Chris who no longer work together, they had a rather strained relationship. I would get her to tell me the story over and over cos it made me laugh. She knitted this gorgeous wrap. I never saw it again after this...

Last night I dreamed about Pam. In the dream we are in the house on North Road in Clayton. Angie tells me Pam has been paying her for cigarettes. I'm furious. Angie is standing wearing glittery clothes from a shopping spree. I shout at Angie. I run to find Pam. I shout her. I'm in the family room she shouts back in a very depressed voice. She's watching TV sitting on the floor. She tells me she got involved with a guy who is using her house for drug trafficking. I say Pam you have to stop him. She knows but she's scared. So am I.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Five Years, Twenty Trees

We went up to twenty trees in Hayfield for the anniversary of Pam's death. Pam and I walked up to these trees together once. I usually do it in Santa Fe but I'm here now and so were my family. So I dragged them up to the top of the hill, me, Ron, Mum, Angie, Eddie and Billy (literally in mum's case as she wore pink flip flops erm mum!) It was sad. Angie said, 'I'm going to carve her name in the tree!' We went into Hayfield village after for tea and scones, Pam liked a cream tea.. the song Somewhere over the Rainbow started to play...

Monday, June 3, 2013

Blue Remembered Hills..

Discovered this wood full of bluebells yesterday near our cottage. Sorry for my absence to anyone who is interested. We are spending 4 months in the UK. Having a lovely time. We are living in a 200 yr old cottage in Hayfield, High Peak. I'm particularly smitten with blackbirds and one little red robin that frequents the wall behind the house. When we walked on the pier in Blackpool in rare nice weather we heard Al Jolson singing When the Red Red Robin comes Bob Bob Bobbing along..."Cheer up, cheer up the sun is red. Live, love, laugh and be happy!" It felt like Pam was telling me to listen to those words..

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Lynette Gilkes

From left to right, mum, grandpa, nana, Pam and Lynette Gilkes in Wales. Lynette was Pam's friend. A sweet, shy, pretty girl.  They had a sweet connection. Lynette died a few weeks after Pam during the exact same month, July 2008. Odd. Sad. I love this photo.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

and now the hat :)

Quite honestly I can't get over that I'm doing this!  A few people have said Jane knit?  But I think it's bloody marvellous..

Tuesday, January 8, 2013