Sunday, July 3, 2011

3 years

Today is 3 years since Pam was killed. As usual (as usual?) I would have gone up the Sandia Peak and put flowers at the foot of a tree. But it's closed as fire danger is extreme.  So we will go to the cabin and I'll sprinkle some flowers into the river. These family photos were taken a year before her death. Doesn't she look beautiful? She is wearing the cardigan that I clung onto the weeks following while my heart was breaking. I keep it in a plastic bag as suggested so as to try to preserve her smell. This weekend I feel like all the life has gone out of me.... again.. 

My parents were just over for the wedding. I asked dad to bring some old journals of mine. I found this entry..

Jan 4 1994

How protective I was today when Pam left to go to the station. I couldn't resist saying, "Don't ask a strange, horrible man for directions." Pam said, "I'll find a man and say to him, 'Are you horrible?' and he'll say, 'Yes,' evilly.  Then I'll say, 'Can you direct me to the station?' and he'll say, 'Yes and let me stab you horribly.'" I must stop being so protective it makes Pam have no confidence in her own abilities. Nice to see her so fun-filled and excited last night. She has been so irritable and snappy of late.

There is a sadness in Pam's face in these shots I think.  Like so many photos of her, a sadness, a suffering. She was unhappy so much in life. Sometimes I would say to her, "You wouldn't DO anything would you?" I meant to end it. She would say, "No Jane, I would never do that to you lot." But look what happened, her life did end early. Perhaps on some level I sensed something coming..


  1. Dearest Jane,

    And I am thinking of you and your family today, as usual on this 3rd day of July. These photos are wonderful to see, and so, so bittersweet. I see so much love here. Yours is a loving family. Thank you for this blog and your shared process around Pam's passing.

    Much love,

  2. Yes, Pam looks really beautiful in these photos. I can also see a resemblance to your dad. When you shared your journal entry, I could hear her talking to you and I remembered her laugh. She had such a great laugh. I don't want to forget things like that so thank you for sharing your memories.

    Thinking of you and sending love,


  3. jane: thinking of you. just in case you need to hear this: three years is nothing in the landscape of mourning. take all the time you need.
    much love,

  4. thanks Peggy, I'm so glad I have people like you visit here so i can continue to share my beautiful sister .. I am as always so proud of her..xo

  5. Joanne, I' glad you remember her laugh I miss it terribly terribly... again thanks for coming here as you say to keep her memory alive.. xo.

  6. Hi Susan, dear Susan I do need to hear that big time, I agree 3 yrs is nothing..but it's funny how I always think I should be doing better than I am. thanks for being ..big hug

    Jane xx

  7. Sorry for your loss, and think it's wonderful that you've created this blog as a memorial to her.

    You mentioned your sister's sadness, but, judging by your journal entry, at least she had a sense of humor.

  8. Oh Kirk.. she had that alright and I'm sure she was glad of it! thanks for this K..

  9. Oh, it's been a week, and I missed this day-marker.

    Yes, she does look a little sad, and this is the first time I recall that you've said this about her sadness, but I may have forgotten. She had fun, and I think of her that way. I am sorry to hear that she did feel this weight, and that you feel this great sadness. God, she's beautiful. You all are. And I feel her in this space always, thanks to your love.

  10. dear Ruth thanks for this. You are so lovely. You bring tears to my eyes... much love to you and yours..xo