This has been the worst Christmas since Pam died. Last night I cried until my bones ached then I went to bed and dreamed that the world was ending and Pam and I were trying to find a place to be for the final end.
This is proving to be an awful time of year for me. Last night I came to the conclusion that perhaps the best thing would be not to do it anymore. Just try to shut Christmas and New Year out. It's too painful. Pam was my family. This is a family time. Let's all gather and be that happy family that we are supposed to be. Let's make it all nice. Let's make the table nice, the food nice, let's put glitter on everything and make it nice. Cover it with gloss. Now all that gloss makes me feel even worse. I've looked at blogs with photos of happy, shiny families all about to tuck into hills of tasty looking food. Gifts wrapped creatively and cosy scenes of bliss. Everyone getting what they want. I wish someone would put some photos up of the after effects. The bloated bellies and screaming rows. No this whole Christmas business only makes me feel the loss even more acutely. When the pain hits like this I feel like I've been thrown into a void. Like I don't belong anywhere. Like I've lost my place in the world.
Right now I feel like I'm going to end up in a home a lonely old woman who no one gives a shit about.
What I wouldn't give right now to be in a cafe with my sister having a good old chin wag and laughing our heads off.
Yes you are damn right I'm feeling sorry for myself.
Perhaps I'll delete this soon... sorry.
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love to you jane. i had a really rough time, too. stupid-ass holiday.
ReplyDeleteand to you susan. stinks dunnit?
ReplyDeletei had to revisit this.
ReplyDeletei am not grieving the same way you are, but the feelings are so much the same. this is the part that absolutely i could have said myself:
Like I don't belong anywhere. Like I've lost my place in the world.
it's hard to figure out exactly why, for me. it's something about loss, definitely; but something broader. the unfairness, maybe. the inability to negotiate any of it from a position of strength. the false promises. the ridiculous optimism i somehow churn up each year, only to be picking myself out of the mud when it's all over. again. (sorry to be using your space to rant. i just dont feel like doing it over at my place.)
ok. i'll stop.
oh god please susan rant all you want about this over here. i relate to everything you say here. oh this too is about family for sure for me. it's like the atmosphere of xmas is contagious and it fucks me up. i too have that optimism and ofcourse Pam not being here then that is really hard. but we had such fun in our family at this time of year when we were children. lots of entertainer types in the family did make it fun. i wish i still had the innocence of a child at this time. and then i expect that kind of entertainment NOW and it's gone forever. i don't know anyone like that now so everything pales by comparison and leaves me bereft in so many ways. ignorance is bliss and all that. so yes it brings up so much. i just didn't know what was really going on when i was a child and right now i long for that.... OK i'll stop now. it's a crazy holiday..
ReplyDeletei don't anything i said just now makes sense.. i've been in a black hole..i think i'm just starting to surface..so will hopefully be more coherent in a few days.. i feel a bit uncool but i've decided to display it here..and so i stand by my decision. for now..
ReplyDeleteit makes total sense. i just surfaced today.
ReplyDeletecwazy.
ha ha.. arggghhhhh!
ReplyDeleteI don't even see it as feeling sorry for yourself. Often the people who think grief is that were not all that close, you know closeclose with the people they've lost. I had this discussion with someone who saw his mother 3 times the last year of his life, & he honestly didn't like or respect his mother...he wanted to equate that with my relationship with my dad...apples & oranges.
ReplyDeleteyou know Mary I'm really glad I'm doing this blog. Because I am really getting how bloody lonely grieving is. No one wants you to talk about it unless they get it. You'd think more people got it as death is quite common (sarcastic laugh) I am so glad you don't see it a feeling sorry for yourself..thanks..my brain is wired to think everything I do is wrong. I need those reminders.. so THANKYOU.. You must have wanted to laugh in his face.. xo
ReplyDelete