Monday, January 2, 2012

Still whacked out by the holidays.

I forgot that I have this file full of handouts on grief that I got from the hospice. I'm so exhausted emotionally. I've been so full of rage and hatred and sadness. Anyway in this file the majority of handouts are on dealing with the holidays. Here's one quote, 'Unfortunately American cultural mores place a virtual embargo on sadness during the holiday season and the consequent mandate to be jolly and cheerful makes the depressed person feel worse.' And another, 'Much holiday depression stems from the almost inevitable disappointment that follows the grandiose expectations people carry over from childhood based either on real memories or unfulfilled fantasies.'

I'm putting this post up so that next year I can look at it to a. remind me to read the handouts and b. read the handouts!

One more thing I just read, it's a bit cheesy but it just helped me to not feel alone.

The mother of a dead child
will always weep
at Christmas time
on that you can depend.

No matter how many people
or how many presents
the pulsating void that seems too large
for her heart to hold
keeps on drawing her attention
back to the child who's missing.

As others laugh and play
her thoughts fly away
to Christmases past
or a lonely cemetery.

To a face her heart aches to be kissing

The face of the child who's missing.

by Fay Harden.

Tomorrow it will be three and a half years..

Note to self read this next December.


  1. "christmas holidays" ALWAYS whack me out.
    so, this year, i decided to allow myself to feel what i feel, to not purchase gifts just to please others, and to take care of what is immediately in front of me. to let others feel what they feel. to let them celebrate in the way they wish. to send a few heart-felt gifts [homemade jelly] to those who i do truly care about.
    it's amazing to me, how many people try to coerce me into feeling the way they do.

    i shall hold you close in my thoughts....


  2. I'm with you here, Jane. Holidays refuse to live up to our expectations and griefs and losses tend to collect there and then. They piggy back on our days off.

    I hope things get better for you in the year to come.

  3. Sounds like you were ahead of the game this year Pencilfox. That's good. Yes the pressure this time of year can be intense.. ve have vays of making you celebrate! You vil do it NOW, LIKE THIS! Quick march!

    Thanks for you kind words here.. glad to have the support, very..

    Jane xx

  4. Elisabeth, thanks so much. Yes it can all pile up on you like Santa emptied a sack over your head. Ouch! All I can say is I'm glad it's over. Hope I don't fall for all the twinkly lights next year without a little caution. I'm such a sucker for twinkly lights.. xo

  5. i came across a pic that made me think of you--and me, too, --and how we feel at the end of these holidays. i cant figure out how to post it in a comment, if indeed that is doable, so will put it up on my blog.
    with love,

  6. I love it! Absolutely! .. thanks Susan for sharing that with me.. oh God what will we do next year?!!!

    love Jane xx

  7. I feel your pain, understand that you are not alone, most people do not have the courage to tell the truth.
    Do not delete your previous post, expressing your grief through writing is the healthiest thing you can do and it actually helps others in a similar state of mind which is a wonderful way to honor your sister.

  8. thanks you David for saying so. It certainly gives me encouragement to carry on. This is proving to be one of the most difficult months of the year for me. It amazes me how I still don't get it..that my sister is dead. It is so hard to comprehend.

    PS nice to meet you and welcome, I like your blog very much and I love how you say ME mum and 'yakking' a very english flavour indeed. Hope your mum is bearing up,

    Jane xx

  9. the thing I've found with grief is it often hits you when you least expect it and every year is different......even 24 years later I don't know.......this was the first christmas without my oldest friend and having sailed through the day with her kids and husband and family it is now that I feel sadder....

  10. I know, it's the boss not us. I can imagine. I spend the day with my husband's family and all seems well until we get home, then I break down in tears.. that's been the last three years. We are talking about running away to New Orleans next year.. take it easy and thanks for your shared sadness.. sorry you've lost your dear friend.. xo

  11. I'm so sorry this was such a tough holiday for you, Jane. I don't face this grief that you do, and even I am this close to putting Christmas away for good. I just don't even know why I pull it out every year. And then my mother tumbles out of the tubs, and she sits and plays the piano, from the blue Christmas book, which she always played from, while I sang. Christmas is memories, good or bad.

    I hope that you are feeling better. And I do hope you will find a way to circumvent this next Christmas.

    I so appreciate the things you said at my blog about your early days here.

  12. Thanks Ruth, I'm glad you understand how memories play a huge part in Christmas.. I ofcourse am learning this so unbearably these days. Like you I was having clear memories of the old days and they were hitting like stones being thrown at me. Nana and all the fun. Just all the fun really and how starkly unfun this year was.

    I like you word 'circumvent' for next year. Thanks for using it.

    Thanks for sharing the beautiful Rauf. He is a lovely soul.

    I am so grateful to you.

    Jane xx