Love Dog..

Pam would love this..

winter..

Autumn

Just over a year ago I put a post on here showing a lot of things that Pam knitted. Well since then I've knitted 3 pairs of socks, a hat, a scarf, a pair of fingerless gloves, a sweater and I'm in the process of making another sweater. I never would have thought it. There are a lot of things I never would have thought. Like my sister's death.. I think Pam would say Jane I told you you'd enjoy knitting. You never listen to me. It must have been hard being the youngest..

summerpecoscabin

Journal Entry July 28 2011

"All I want to do is lie quietly with my eyes closed and let the tears drip from my eyes. Try to come to terms with the death of my sister. The idea of her life slipping away rips me apart and tears me to pieces. Her hair, her beautiful hair gone. That hair that was her crowning glory that clogged up plug holes wiry, wiry hair. Now we won't see her aging like Angie and me. I'm going to watch her more from now on on videos, I'm going to look at her ashes like Angie who has held them in her hand. I'm going to look at it like those buddhist monks who meditate in burial grounds and face it."

I haven't looked at her ashes yet and I haven't watched her on videos hardly..

Sandia Peak

The perfect place to be on the anniversary. So peaceful and quiet up there. Ron suggested it the first year. Now it's our ritual. I take flowers from my garden. I noticed it's hard for me to leave the flowers and walk away so you can imagine how hard it is to leave my sister and walk away.. here are some photos.. oh and I saw a wild turkey!

4 years

photo taken by Ron in Taos. Last night we watched the documentary The Woodmans which was sadly fitting..

Gun!

In the early eighties our family home was robbed. We lived in a big white Victorian house on Windsor Road in Newton Heath, Manchester. Pam was nineteen. She arrived home from work right in the middle of the robbery.  She was in training to be a hairdresser at Vidal Sassoon’s in Manchester.

She walked into the house and shouted out to see if anyone was home. The house was in darkness.  There was no reply. She turned on the light and went straight into the ‘downstairs toilet’ as we called it, first on the right as you enter the house to take a pee. Or have a wee as we call it in England. As she sat there she watched herself in the mirror, singing in silly voices. She was such a sweet girl. She was the youngest. Throughout our childhood she would spend hours alone in her room. 

Finishing in the toilet she plunged into the darkness of the kitchen then into the cloakroom to hang up her coat when something moved. A man put his hand over her mouth. ‘Shut up or I’ll shoot you.’ He had a stocking over his head and he shoved a sawn off shotgun in Pam’s back. Her legs collapsed beneath her so he and two other men with stockings on their heads dragged her into the living room.

They told her to lie on the floor while one of them closed the curtains. Another pulled out the telephone cord and tied her up. She thought she would be raped. The man asked her where the safe was. There was indeed a safe in the house behind our father’s bed. Dad was a very hard worker, a builder, who came home exhausted and would often be in bed by eight o clock.  She pictured dad in his bed. The man asked ‘Do you know the combination?’ She told him where the safe was but that she didn’t know the combination. Horror and guilt flooded over her. All 3 men disappeared upstairs. At this point she was able to give more attention to our lilac point Siamese cat Charlie with whom she had a special bond. All the while he’d been sitting by her head. His pinky, blue eyes and white fur gave her a sudden surge of comfort. He stayed by her side throughout. She could hear banging upstairs like sledgehammers hitting a wall. After this the men came downstairs carrying the safe. ‘Don’t move for an hour or we’ll shoot you.’And with that they left. Pam and Charlie sat and waited. After a few minutes of this Pam decided to move. She ran out of the house to one of the big old houses next to ours, one that was now a nursing home for the elderly. She saw the nurses through the window sitting in the kitchen laughing and smoking. She ran inside her heart beating fast. ‘Hello Pam what’s up love?’ said Norma the large burly woman who owned the place. Pam couldn’t speak she tried to but nothing would come out until one of the nurses laughed. A sudden fury erupted in Pam and out it came at last.  One word. Gun!

The police told us that they knew who it was. Thank god that dad on this rare occasion was out.  My sister Angie was a model and she was working that night at a boxing match. She had to walk round after each round in a bikini displaying the number of the round on a little board. Since dad was an avid boxing fan he’d gone with her to watch the match.  

Majorca 1970

Missing Pam..

Elephants mourning..

Pam was a big animal lover. One of the books I found at her house was called When Elephants Weep, she urged me to read it but I never did. I still have the book. This elephant whisperer recently died and all the elephants that he had saved (from being shot for being pests, they were violent and hated humans) walked for 12 hours to his home to pay their respects. How did they know?

What a beautiful thing read more here http://delightmakers.com/news-bleat/wild-elephants-gather-inexplicably-mourn-death-of-elephant-whisperer/

Finished knitting the socks! In honour of Pam..

As you can see I'm posing, modeling my creations in the morning light. I sit in this spot every morning drinking my coffee and reading, it's so nice. The reason I'm 'modeling'? Well other than the fact that I'm a big ham I'm trying to hide the mistake I made in the hidden sock. Oh OK go on then I'll show you the mistake.

The ball of wool in the background is because my dad loved the socks so much that he wants some.How sweet,to knit a pair of socks for me old dad,Pam would be so pleased.

Some much needed respite

For a good few weeks now I've been having some time off from abject grief. We took our little trip and that did me the world of good. Then there are the flowers, the garden. I'm working on a new piece of writing. It was so good to go to the cafe in town (that doesn't have wifi) and write for a few hours then pop into my favourite thrift store on the way home and lo it was 75% off day, got a few goodies including a Coach purse for $1. So but Pam is always always on my mind. When I was in Truth or Consequences I was sad as Pam and I would often go on holidays together. We always giggled madly on our holidays, we'd get the giggles. I imagined us giggling madly in the hot springs, especially on the last day when I saw a big spider sitting watching me from the ledge as I soaked my last soak. I slowly moved out of the pool feeling very naked wrapping a towel round me to go get Ron. When he saw it he said,'wow it is big do you think it's a tarantula?' Yes it was that big. And just then it skittle skattled across the water to the other side of the pool. Yes that's right it walked on water. It could have been sitting on my head for all I knew. Well Pam and I would have laughed for hours, days about that building it into huge dramatic play for ourselves. No more giggling wildly for me not with Pam anymore.

Here's a photo of mum (age 18?) and a photo of me (age 50!) in beer mode....just because I like the pics.. happy May everyone..

When Pam visited me one time here, we took the high road to Taos. On our way back we drove over something and I said, 'hey that looked like a tarantula!" "Oh turn back Jane please, let's see if it was!" she said. So I did and it was.

We got back in the car and all the way along the rest of the road tarantulas were crossing, apparently we'd stumbled on mating season.

Margot December 25th 1960 - April 19th 2012

Margot skyped me some time back, maybe a year and a half? No more. She told me she had a brain tumour. I'll never forget her face telling me on the computer. It was horrible to have to hear and so shocking. My friend Jayne who found me through Facebook had just died of cancer and now this? It was scaring me. Margot said, 'we'll come to visit you in Santa Fe when I'm better.' I just found out on Facebook that she died last week leaving a husband and a ten year old daughter. She had been my agent once in England and what a lovely lady she was. Her sister died last year of cancer and her brother died before that age 43. Death is scary to me. I'm speechless... rest in peace dear lady..

Pink!!!!!!!

Back from a trip to Truth or Consequences soaking in hot springs, my skin feels sooo soft. I loved it there..we needed it.. and look the garden has grown! The scent of these flowers nearly knocked me off my feet last night when I got out of the car...

Spring flowers at Hopi Rd

View from the bedroom window

                                        Backyard

                           SO RELIEVED TO BE BACK!

knitting project finished..

when I get a chance I'll take a photo of the jumper and post it. I love it!  Now I'm onto a sock.. Meanwhile (since it's easter) here is a pic of two rabbits I met in Crosby by the sea near Liverpool in 2004. From jumper to Thumper. Pebbles, the bunny at the back was the most cuddly of the two. We made an instant connection.

moving house

is a great way to take your mind off things.. back to my house instead of living at ron's more sterile (his word) abode .. my front yard 3 years ago..